why 98% of computer users fail to use Apple computers
Take heart, momus. Apple may have 2% market share, the percentage of computers that are being sold right now, but their installed base (percentage of working computers that are Apples) is higher - I've read estimates of 10 or 15%.
People keep their Macs longer, in part because they don't get clogged up with spyware and discarded as "broken" after a couple of years. Look at the high prices on the second-hand Mac market - the supply from people getting rid of Macs is clearly much lower than the demand. Whereas a second-hand x86 PC is only valued as a doorstop.
And I think worrying that you might be Nathan Barley exempts you from any charge of Barleyism.