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Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 12:12 pm
Momo = Nino, more or less

An open letter to the women of Japan
Dear women of Japan, walking around the streets of your delightful capital, Tokyo, and catching your eye on trains, on escalators, on the street and in stores, I can't help noticing your perplexed reactions to me, Momo. "What the fuck is that?" you seem to be saying to yourselves. "Is it a clown? Will it produce some balls and start juggling? Or is it just an old, ugly, ridiculously-dressed gaijin who thinks he'll score points with us by trying to look 'interesting' in a totally weird way?"



I, Momo, have seen these thoughts passing all-too-obviously through your head, and been slightly saddened, I must confess. Yes, I'm old, and foreign, and a bit eccentric. Sure, I could pass for Momo the Clown, or some kind of walking black flower. But there's something you should know. I am, more or less, Nino.

Nino. Ninomiya from boy band Arashi. He's your favourite current man, isn't he? He's everywhere, with his child-monkey charm and delicate, intelligent, feminine features. Look, there, in the Wii SuperMario Brothers poster! And here in the au by KDDI commercial!



What a fun boyfriend Nino would be! What good children he'd make, and how well he'd help you raise them! You dream of Arashi, you keep them under your pillow and take them out at night, and when anyone asks your favourite you say "Nino!" If you saw him on the street you'd scream. But if you saw Momo on the street... well, you'd scream!



And that's what I'm writing to tell you today. There's actually a lot less difference than you think between Momo and Nino! We both make you scream, that's a start! But it goes so much deeper than that! Let me prove to you that Momo equals Nino, more or less!

Up to 60% of the human body is water, which means that me and Nino are already 60% the same thing. Water! It's not like Nino's water is sexy and Momo's is weird. No, that 60% majority component of Nino and Momo is identical. Water!

It doesn't stop there, either. Nino and Momo both have two eyes, a nose, a mouth on the front of our heads. Okay, Momo has one eye that's shriveled like a grape, so let's give him 75% eyes compared with Nino's 100% eyes, but, you know, 75% ain't bad, girls! Momo has less hair than Nino, but, you know, it's hair!



And look at their jobs! Momo and Nino are both singers! Okay, Arashi might perform at the Yokohama Arena while Momo just sings karaoke over an iPod at a Tokyo art gallery, but what's an audience gap of tens of thousands when the profession is the same?

There are some other striking similarities. Momo's middle name is John, and Nino is managed by Johnny's Entertainment. Nino is hot, Momo is not, but there's only one letter difference between those words, which makes them 66% the same. Nino's sperm is young and healthy, whereas Momo produces slightly damaged old man sperm, but even old man sperm can make a perfectly good baby, if you don't mind the fact that it wouldn't be racially 100% pure (it would, though, be racially 50% pure, which is good enough for anyone except sticklers).

I want to conclude this open letter to you, dear Women of Japan, by saying, in your delightful language, yoroshiku; be nice to me. Next time you see me on the street, say to yourself "There -- but for a few insignificant details and my own blind Darwinian prejudices -- walks Nino from Arashi!" And allow yourself a small scream. A nice, excited scream, not the terrified one you normally do.

47CommentReply

microworlds
microworlds
Sparkachu Maelworth
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 03:18 am (UTC)

You're scaring me, Momus.


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microworlds
microworlds
Sparkachu Maelworth
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 03:18 am (UTC)

Or, dare I say, Momo.


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(Anonymous)
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 03:40 am (UTC)

Look on the bright side. You're probably only another decade's worth of wrinkles away from crossing into cute old man status


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imomus
imomus
imomus
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 03:51 am (UTC)

Good point. Nino will also be a cute old man relatively soon (in terms of the evolutionary scale, the speed of glaciers, heat death of the universe, and so on, at more or less the identical moment).


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(Anonymous)
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 04:05 am (UTC)

I worry about you. Are you growing completely out of sync with reality? Am I watching a talented musician spiral into creepy old man who refuses to do what he's really good at (while refusing to die). Or have you lived so long in your own head during these past few years, riding the praise of numerous art mags and bloggers that ...

*sigh* It is good that you are ending this blog. It is a shame you "ended" your music.
-Edge


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(Anonymous)
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 05:26 am (UTC)

C'mon, "Edge", concern-trolling in 2009 with "I worry about you..." is just lazy. Raise your game, as Momo the Clown would put it.


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(no subject) - (Anonymous) Expand
bluesman
bluesman
Two-Dog
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 04:33 am (UTC)

If I may say so, with no agendum, merely as an observation, you look great sans stubble. It probably reduces the amount of ladies' screams too.


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dahlink
dahlink
Theodosia Wabada Hodiamont II
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 04:39 am (UTC)
Random lurkers from the Internet can't be wrong!

Well, I'd scream with glee if I saw you on the street, anyway. I'm not Japanese and I live in Detroit, not anywhere near Japan, but I share 99.9% of DNA with your average Japanese woman. :P


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milky_eyes
milky_eyes
milky_eyes
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 04:54 am (UTC)

not so fast.... I almost believed you there for a minute. You are very convincing.
But I had a slight weird feeling in my gut so I did what I always do at times like this and I did the old Mr. Emoto water test....

I first uttered Nino's lovely crisp name.... and with my micro camera produced this:


I then whispered your name... momus... also a nice name.... and got these results...


I shuttered a bit at the results but it is clear.... and water doesnt lie....
but I believe there is hope.... you must kidnap Nino and do a water transplate.

Give him all your water, and take all of his.... then... well.... you might also be in trouble... maybe dont do this


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subalpine
subalpine
subalpine
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 06:19 am (UTC)

don't be taken in by this, 'Momo'! (<- incidentally, i have a cousin by that name - for real..)
conveniently glossed over here are the dozens upon dozens of shots the micro camera took to produce ones that jived with Mr. milky_Emoto's preconceptions.

> water doesnt lie
newage micro cameras do


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niemandsrose
niemandsrose
Niemandsrose
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 08:38 am (UTC)

Aw, come off it. When was the last time you squealed over a female your own age, Momo?


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viceanglais
viceanglais
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 10:27 am (UTC)

Come on, Momo, stop chasing the fickle approval of hoity-toity foreign bits. Come back to the UK, where they welcome all comers, so long as you're a right LOL!



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(Anonymous)
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 10:58 am (UTC)

old, ugly, ridiculously-dressed gaijin

Is it turning fifty that's suddenly got you all concerned about your age and appearance? It wasn't so long ago that you were claiming to be still in your middle youth and you were beating off women who wanted to have sex with you with a stick... and now, suddenly you feel you're out of the game. Zero chance of picking up a cute girl on the subway. But that's OK, isn't it, you've already cashed out of the game with your cute two-decades-younger Japanese girlfriend...

I'd love to see you do a proper post before the end of Click Opera about ageing, being middle-aged, feeling yourself slipping out of the sexual loop, feeling your body decay and all the rest. How does it feel now that most of your life is behind you rather than in front of you? Do you think more about illness and death? Or maybe less, out of fear? But no doubt there are a lot of upsides to being old, too. Why don't you tell us?


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(Anonymous)
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 09:56 pm (UTC)

geez loueez, that not very nice, that rude, rudy pitooty!


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(Anonymous)
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 11:01 am (UTC)

“It’s important to remember that rebellion -- in other words, the part of our value system that is determined by position, by dialectics, by reaction -- is a kind of collaboration with the things rebelled against. For instance, right now I’m wearing a t-shirt turned inside out, because I’ve decided t-shirts with slogans or images on them are naff. I’m listening to a very abstract piece of music by David Toop, partly to erase or complicate the courtyard ambience of Michael Jackson hits and make the soundscape in my flat a bit “classier”. In both cases, my stance is a collaboration with the “naff” things I’m deliberately snubbing. They become the ground to my figure, the thing that makes it connote. I really have to thank the people I’m rebelling against for “collaborating” with me in this way! Without them, I couldn’t be me.”

Maybe you're getting what you really want. Or perhaps young Japanese girls aren't allowed to play dialectics?

I don't know whether to thank you for being so open (vulnerable) or condemn you for being too open. I worry - and I won't be alone in this - that I will still be concerned about these things when I'm my father's age, in the same way that he appears to be (and you appear to be). Part of me hopes that my sex drive will have kindly departed leaving me able to enjoy life free from its incessant nagging.

So when we're reminded that this probably won't happen, it constellates fear, and a certain amount of frustration at the person reminding us; it becomes an unavoidable fate. And the worst of it is that you're not allowed those feelings at that age, you get called, as you frequently do on here, a 'dirty old man' (sometimes you even call yourself it). Perhaps we need to reframe the 'dirty old man'. Rethink him; or, maybe just sit down and really think him for a change, instead of chucking the label at him and then running the hell away. After all, its a fate that awaits a good number of us ...


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tropigalia
tropigalia
Dewy-Eyed Disney Bride
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 11:10 am (UTC)

momus i had a dream last night that you invited me over for a date and i was so happy


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imomus
imomus
imomus
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 02:22 pm (UTC)

Having met you in Philly this year, Tropigalia, I have to say a date with you would be fun. You're very pretty, for a start!


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(no subject) - (Anonymous) Expand




(Anonymous)
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 11:36 am (UTC)

I like this new, vulnerable, look-how-old-and-decrepit-I-am Momus that has emerged in the past few months. Male vulnerability is sexy! Sometimes Click Opera is so relentlessly pleased with itself, so continually trumpeting what a wonderful, full and exotic life Momus leads, that one starts to wonder whether it's all a bit like Winnie in Beckett's Happy Days. No doubt there's a darker, sadder Momus in there somewhere as well. One that worries about death, about what his life has amounted to, about the ever-widening gulf between himself and the objects of his sexual fantasies. A Momus that scours rock encyclopedias in bookshops, existentially struck by the fact that he's not mentioned in any of them... and then he puts on his happy brave face and knocks out another Click Opera entry...


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(Anonymous)
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 11:46 am (UTC)

the only upside to getting old is that people ignore you - completely. This is useful; you may now play the role of the invisible observer - it depressed me for a while - all this moving away from being young and flirtatious etc. but, you know, it's OK ... it's just life: deal with it - go back to your Art and make incredible things; lose the introspection you have about the loss of your being an object of desire - play the 'funny uncle' and have fun!


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(Anonymous)
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 11:48 am (UTC)

Your second name is John? Nicholas John? Your parents weren't terribly imaginative in the baby names department, were they?


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(Anonymous)
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 12:15 pm (UTC)

When I clicked on the comments section, I thought I would be adding my voice to the chorus congratulating Momus on his rarely showcased comic genius. This was hilarious.


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