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Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 12:12 pm
Momo = Nino, more or less

An open letter to the women of Japan
Dear women of Japan, walking around the streets of your delightful capital, Tokyo, and catching your eye on trains, on escalators, on the street and in stores, I can't help noticing your perplexed reactions to me, Momo. "What the fuck is that?" you seem to be saying to yourselves. "Is it a clown? Will it produce some balls and start juggling? Or is it just an old, ugly, ridiculously-dressed gaijin who thinks he'll score points with us by trying to look 'interesting' in a totally weird way?"



I, Momo, have seen these thoughts passing all-too-obviously through your head, and been slightly saddened, I must confess. Yes, I'm old, and foreign, and a bit eccentric. Sure, I could pass for Momo the Clown, or some kind of walking black flower. But there's something you should know. I am, more or less, Nino.

Nino. Ninomiya from boy band Arashi. He's your favourite current man, isn't he? He's everywhere, with his child-monkey charm and delicate, intelligent, feminine features. Look, there, in the Wii SuperMario Brothers poster! And here in the au by KDDI commercial!



What a fun boyfriend Nino would be! What good children he'd make, and how well he'd help you raise them! You dream of Arashi, you keep them under your pillow and take them out at night, and when anyone asks your favourite you say "Nino!" If you saw him on the street you'd scream. But if you saw Momo on the street... well, you'd scream!



And that's what I'm writing to tell you today. There's actually a lot less difference than you think between Momo and Nino! We both make you scream, that's a start! But it goes so much deeper than that! Let me prove to you that Momo equals Nino, more or less!

Up to 60% of the human body is water, which means that me and Nino are already 60% the same thing. Water! It's not like Nino's water is sexy and Momo's is weird. No, that 60% majority component of Nino and Momo is identical. Water!

It doesn't stop there, either. Nino and Momo both have two eyes, a nose, a mouth on the front of our heads. Okay, Momo has one eye that's shriveled like a grape, so let's give him 75% eyes compared with Nino's 100% eyes, but, you know, 75% ain't bad, girls! Momo has less hair than Nino, but, you know, it's hair!



And look at their jobs! Momo and Nino are both singers! Okay, Arashi might perform at the Yokohama Arena while Momo just sings karaoke over an iPod at a Tokyo art gallery, but what's an audience gap of tens of thousands when the profession is the same?

There are some other striking similarities. Momo's middle name is John, and Nino is managed by Johnny's Entertainment. Nino is hot, Momo is not, but there's only one letter difference between those words, which makes them 66% the same. Nino's sperm is young and healthy, whereas Momo produces slightly damaged old man sperm, but even old man sperm can make a perfectly good baby, if you don't mind the fact that it wouldn't be racially 100% pure (it would, though, be racially 50% pure, which is good enough for anyone except sticklers).

I want to conclude this open letter to you, dear Women of Japan, by saying, in your delightful language, yoroshiku; be nice to me. Next time you see me on the street, say to yourself "There -- but for a few insignificant details and my own blind Darwinian prejudices -- walks Nino from Arashi!" And allow yourself a small scream. A nice, excited scream, not the terrified one you normally do.

47CommentReplyFlag


(Anonymous)
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 12:27 pm (UTC)

I keep pushing M to let me meet you so that we can go up a high building and look at the view, or anything really. And I'm young, female and wouldn't get excited at all if I saw Nino on the street, so don't be sad!

/A


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pay_option07
pay_option07
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 01:56 pm (UTC)
the terrified Darwinian scream



I't been years since I've seen this Tyrolean vid. Quite the opposite to the "Widow Twanky's" meloncholic dirge.


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(Anonymous)
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 02:13 pm (UTC)

Well if appealing to young Japanese women still matters to you, there are things you could do. Shaving off the homeless man beard is a good start, but really, you'll have to bin the pantomime costume. Eccentric, yes, interesting, yes, sexy, NO! The way for the older man to look sexy is to smarten up a bit. Try a stylish, well-cut suit. I think you'd look fantastic like that. And smartening up wouldn't mean losing your eccentric touch (look at Lord Whimsy, for chrissake). Try it, and watch the girls swoon!


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(Anonymous)
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 03:07 pm (UTC)

申し訳ありません。あなたも、日本の女の子のために古いです。


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(Anonymous)
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 04:31 pm (UTC)

MOMUS YOU ARE ABOUT TO EMBARK ON YOUR SIXTH DECADE OF YOUR LIFE. YOU ARE OLD! YOUR FACE IS GAUNT, YOUR HAIR IS THIN! GIRLS IN THEIR TWENTIES ARE NOT GENERALLY ATTRACTED TO BALDING FIFTY YEAR OLD MEN WHO WEAR CLOWN SUITS! NOT EVEN JAPANESE GIRLS! PLEASE GET USED TO THIS FACT! IT IS NOT HARD TO UNDERSTAND!


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tropigalia
tropigalia
Dewy-Eyed Disney Bride
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 04:42 pm (UTC)

GIRLS IN THEIR TWENTIES ARE NOT GENERALLY ATTRACTED TO BALDING FIFTY YEAR OLD MEN WHO WEAR CLOWN SUITS!

wrong!


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(Anonymous)
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 04:46 pm (UTC)

I appreciate the originality, eccentricity and the effort, but I'm not really feeling your new outfit, Momus. You look like a frumpish, middle-aged lady from 1926. No wonder you've scared the Tokyo girls off.


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(Anonymous)
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 05:12 pm (UTC)

Oh Momus, Momus my dearest. Why do you open yourself for trolls so much? You must have known they’d have a field day.

(Btw I’m mid-20 and would totally and have sex with you all night. A shame I am a boy.)


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imomus
imomus
imomus
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 08:56 pm (UTC)

We can switch the light off.

Hey, I'll tell you what makes you feel even more mortal than being old. Earth tremors. The building just shook with one!


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just shook - (Anonymous) Expand
mandyrose
mandyrose
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 10:48 pm (UTC)

Those outfits are totally ridiculous. You look like the whitest white person ever, like there should be a Scottish flag over your face in every photo! It is cute, but not necessarily what I'd call sexy. Then again, I'm over 30 and American. And according to your calculations, I'm more like Nino than you are?

You seem to have carefully cultivated that Gainsbourg "I am all about sex, therefore I am sexy" persona.

I've always found you singularly off-putting and adorable. Like looking in the refrigerator to get out a piece of bread, and finding that the bread has pink mold all over it, but that the mold has grown in a perfectly fuzzy pink circular mound that looks like a pink baby chicken or a Snow Ball cake.


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eclectiktronik
eclectiktronik
eclectiktronik
Thu, Dec. 17th, 2009 11:26 pm (UTC)

thats his look!


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(Anonymous)
Fri, Dec. 18th, 2009 01:19 am (UTC)

I think the really interesting thing here is that Momus' first encounters with Japan saw him feted as a pop star, and set on a pedestal. But what's happened over the years is a complete reversal of that situation. Now, for Momus, it's Japan itself -- ordinary, everyday Japan -- which is on the pedestal. He bows, kneels, even goes into Tokyo Bopper and squeals to see a "pop star" who's, in fact, just a shop assistant.

There's something endearing about this. Sure, most celebs will say nice things about a culture which embraces them. But how many will keep saying those things, and keep coming back, when they're forgotten?

"If your love changed into hate / Would my love have been a mistake? / La la la..."


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count_vronsky
count_vronsky
Fri, Dec. 18th, 2009 01:24 am (UTC)

Next time they scream at Momo in horror, just say, "why are you frightened? I'm the one who has to walk back through the forest alone."


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imomus
imomus
imomus
Fri, Dec. 18th, 2009 01:35 am (UTC)

Ha ha ha!

This is turning into a scene from a Takashi Miike film.


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(Anonymous)
Fri, Dec. 18th, 2009 01:53 am (UTC)
if i only had a brain

http://www.bilerico.com/2008/10/wiz%20of%20oz_scarecrow.jpg


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milky_eyes
milky_eyes
milky_eyes
Fri, Dec. 18th, 2009 02:44 am (UTC)
Re: if i only had a brain

oh fuck...

so this is the real deal momus,

look to the Bowie.

He's the one that got you into this mess and he's the one that can get you out.

He's donned quite a few seemingly unretrieveable fashion and live situations. And has always made it back with his plumes sailing at full mast.

Look deep inside your 'Bowie Mind' and find that crystal gleaming showing you the path to true world domination.

But also realize, you're probably a little jetlaged and, maybe just a bit flustered.

also, if you just tweet that costume a bit... you'll look amazing. serious.



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(Anonymous)
Sat, Dec. 19th, 2009 09:36 am (UTC)

You want my honest opinion? I'd rather have sex with you than with this Nino. You are a tender pervert, and it would be so fun; With Nino, I'd feel like I'm fucking a chick with a dick.

- Mazie.


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