imomus (imomus) wrote,

Meet Maria Wolonski

Momus: Hello everyone, thanks for coming today. I'd like to present Maria Wolonski, our new... What is your official title, Maria? I forget, despite being the one who made it up!
Maria: Wasn't it "Flexible Information Nexus"?
Momus: "F-I-N". Sounds a bit fishy! No, didn't it have a P in it... not PA, not PR...
Maria: PDA! Personal Digital Assistant!
Momus: Thanks, that'll do nicely for now. So, everyone, I'd like you to meet Maria Wolonski, the new Momus PDA. We're delighted to have her aboard.

Maria: Shall I curtsey? Or do you want to spray champagne over me, like Richard Branson?
Momus: Ha ha, it is tempting! But Richard Branson is a sexist pig. I wouldn't treat my employees like that. I think we should tell people first and foremost to follow your feed.
Maria: Yes! Right. Well, my feed is called wolon, which is obviously short for "Wolonski". It's your highly Portable Information Nexus (P-I-N) for anything and everything related to Momus. Concerts, press appearances, lectures, reactions to events, recommendations. Hey, should I be calling you "Mr Momus"?
Momus: No, no, just plain Momus is fine.
Maria: Should we talk about what we were discussing earlier?
Momus: What was that? Oh, about possible reactions? Okay... You go first.
Maria: Well, it's just that you thought... You thought there was a possibility of dismay. That people would say: "He's winding up Click Opera just to unveil... a Twitter feed?"
Momus: Right. And it's important to stress that this is not a Momus-related Twitter feed. Well, not just a Momus-related Twitter feed. This is Maria, a new person. A new member of staff. In a new office. With rafters.
Maria: You know, I think I will call you Mr Momus on the feed. So cute!
Momus: It is cute, but remember the "Mr" will take up two of those precious 140 characters.
Maria: Oh, I can slip it in there. I'm good at that. Mr Momus on BBC Radio 4's Quote Unquote "deserves to be a massive multi-billionaire" (says nice Dr Ben Goldacre). See? I tweeted all that plus a compact tinyurl. It fits!
Momus: I want to ask you a few questions about your origins, Maria, because I think the readers will want to know some background. But first I just want to clear up this question of the value of Twitter. As you know, I had a piece up in April called The case against -- and for -- Twitter. It was quite damning: "You could easily see the tweet as an inherently worthless form, some kind of spreading weed, replacing meaningful content with something scattershot, trivial, phatic, desultory -- eroding topsoil, decreasing crop yields." But then -- being a dialectical kind of chap -- I saw the plus side: "Couldn't all the important things ever said be reduced to 140 characters? There's nothing more wonderful than seeing a short form given some kind of lapidary perfection." Now, the wolon feed is mostly for information about real-world Momus activities, but I hope it can achieve some of that "lapidary perfection" too. Some kind of beauty.
Maria: That's why you made someone short and perfectly-formed your "flexible information nexus"?
Momus: You're perfectly formed, but you're not short! Come on, Maria, you're almost as tall as me!
Maria: It's true, and you wear high heels.
Momus: Don't tell them that!
Maria: Ha ha ha!
Momus: Do you want me to show them your baby pictures?
Maria: What, that one of me in my birthday suit? When you were down in the lab, fabricating me like the Bride of Frankenstein?
Momus: Yes, that one!
Maria: Well, I certainly don't want you holding the threat to show it over my head and using it to control my freedom of expression. So go ahead, I'm not ashamed. In fact, I think it's good to make my fabrication process clear and obvious to everybody, as if to say "This is how a PDA is made!"
Momus: Okay, here's Maria in the lab, back when she was being fabricated. Isn't she lovely?

Maria: I have a damn good body, I'll say that for me. You look like you had a lot on your hands before I came along. In fact, you had a lot of hands, period.
Momus: That's right, I had a thumb in many pies. I had to juggle everything constantly. I didn't know what to do with all my hands. That's why I needed a new pair.
Maria: Yes, today you're showing a new pair of hands and a clean pair of heels!
Momus: Please don't go on about my heels!
Maria: You like to wear them with spurs while sitting on your high horse!
Momus: No I don't! Anyway, here's a flow diagram of how I hope we'll be working together in the future.

Maria: That's lovely! I'm a penguin! Where did you get the graphic?
Momus: It's a tribute to the Japanese designer Nakajo Masayoshi, a cluster of some of his motifs. He did a lot of work for the Shiseido magazine Hanatsubaki, really nice clear and simple design, but quirky, with lots of personality.
Maria: Is that you in the photo?
Momus: No, it's Harry Smith, but it's how I might look in a few years.
Maria: You have a birthday coming up soon, don't you?
Momus: No.
Maria: Yes you do!
Momus: No I don't! I don't want to talk about that! In fact, let's just end this meeting now, shall we, Maria?
Maria: Okay, you're the boss, Mr Branson! I mean, Mr Momus!

Follow Maria Wolonski on Twitter.

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February 9 2010, 10:03:48 UTC 11 years ago

I always knew you really wanted to be a 20something naked girl.


February 9 2010, 10:32:43 UTC 11 years ago

You've played your old prolepsis game of anticipating people saying it's lame as a means of warding off the criticism. And yet, it's still lame.


February 9 2010, 10:47:13 UTC 11 years ago

Does Hisae know about Maria?
Of course! Last night they were baking Chinese steam cakes -- marakao -- together!


11 years ago


February 9 2010, 10:57:58 UTC 11 years ago

Momus, you said you didn't want to be a 50 year old man obsessed with his blog. But is creating a hot young alias on Twitter really any improvement?
Don't hate on my highly portable personal information nexus! She will allow me to get on with many useful things while she "mans" the store.


February 9 2010, 11:03:41 UTC 11 years ago

Stop the press: someone quit livejournal and joined twitter. You're certainly not one to follow the herd, are you Mr Momus?
Originality is not what you do, or even when you do it. It's how.


February 9 2010, 11:14:42 UTC 11 years ago

Nick Currie, please can you tell me a bit about the process of choosing the "Momus" moniker. Also what is your middle name?
I had a bunch of different names scribbled in notebooks:

Sam Hall (Evangelist)
Nicky January

I think "Momus" came from Aesop's Fables, but maybe it was mentioned in Kierkegaard or something (I was reading a lot of Kierkegaard at that point: Either / Or). In consultation with Mike Alway of el Records I settled on Momus. It had a certain darkness and otherness to it, a classical feel (Greece and Rome have always fascinated me), and the vowel sound was a bit like "Bowie", my idol.

My middle name is the most boring name in the world: John.


February 9 2010, 11:20:07 UTC 11 years ago

Oh dear. Is Maria Wolonski your midlife crisis?
I have decided to enjoy my midlife crisis to the hilt!


11 years ago

Whatever. Even for Momus, I'm not joining Twitter.
Oh, but you don't have to join Twitter to read a Twitter feed! It's just out there, open for all, a web page you can read. You bookmark it like any other.
Currie you old rascal.


February 9 2010, 12:39:16 UTC 11 years ago

Can Maria sing? You might well have the new Kahimi Karie on your hands there.
She can tweet.


February 9 2010, 13:25:24 UTC 11 years ago

Might as well buy stupid sexy clothes for your new galatea. Don't want her to get cold, sitting in front of her desk naked all day, do you.

Pygmalion and Narcissus, in the space of a few days! This really is a mythical week on Click Opera!


11 years ago


11 years ago


February 9 2010, 14:32:42 UTC 11 years ago

everyone knew momus likes super slim brunettes, but vaginas with hair? i had no idea. but, i approve. seems to get in the way of the momus as pedophile meme though.


February 9 2010, 14:34:35 UTC 11 years ago

What? You're downgrading to a poxy twitter feed, "fronted" by a Zadie Smith lookalike? Poor show, Momus!


February 9 2010, 14:43:30 UTC 11 years ago

I must say this is all a bit of a letdown. I was assuming you'd use your last livejournal posts to unveil some incredibly innovative new project that would take the place of this blog. I was hoping for some wizzbang end, like the last episode of 'The Prisoner' or something. But no.

Be seeing you!


February 9 2010, 18:32:06 UTC 11 years ago

Hey Momus! You didn't make the grade buddy! Failure isn't allowed round here my man! I'm going where the grass still grows green and strong, because I only associate and understand things that are strong, stready and invulnerable! Too bad buddy! Maybe you'll make the team next time round!


February 9 2010, 14:54:45 UTC 11 years ago

I hate hairy vaginas too. Fortunately, I like hairy labia.
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